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[14 Aug 2005|10:10am] |
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| don't try to wake me in the morning---i'll be gone. |
[19 Jun 2005|12:34am] |
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music |
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the smiths - asleep. |
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BACKSTREET BOYS ARE BACK.
But I'm pretty sure more than most of you knew this. Today, I bought their new album for only 9 bucks and it's actually great. Tease and make fun all you want, but I've been a proud fan since 1995 (or was it 1996?) when I first heard them in Toronto. I have every single poster, CD, home video, bootleg, whatever you can possibly think of. I was part of their 'official' fan club, and had 'pen-pals' from there. I have also been to every single Backstreet Boys concert in Michigan ever. And now they're returning August 2nd! Tickets went on sale today, and...I'M DYING TO GO.
I also picked up the new White Stripes album this evening, though I already have heard all the tracks before they were released. It was quite a shock to see that they were going with the whole Michaelangelo "Creation of Man" theme, with the hands and the apple and all, considering the fact that I have been obsessed with that painting all year through and have dedicated two paintings and a whole sculpture to it. Jack and I are soulmates. We truly are.
Anyway, I'm happy that I got the album but I'm upset because my sister cannot remember where she put my most beloved album in the world, which is the very first White Stripes album. Oh, lack of luck.
Comment and tell me what you dreamt of last night.
Update:
Warning--this is just a long rant.
Why do I constantly feel like I have to relate to everything? Just because a song once reminded me of someone back in the day, doesn't mean that it always will, right? So why do I keep listening to these songs that once were "ours" and feel bad that they don't make me feel the way they used to? They're just songs to me now. Not feelings, not messages, not good memories. Am I supposed to feel differently? I keep telling myself I will get rid of all the things that remind me of what I don't ever want to be reminded of again, but I find myself thinking "well maybe I can fool myself into thinking I threw it away, but I'll hide it someplace hard to find" but I always seem to remember where I put them, and I always seem to go back to them on days like this to torture myself. Torturing myself isn't the way it used to be a couple years ago. It also isnt' the way it was a couple months ago. Torturing myself nowadays is feeling bad for not feeling at all, but I think that's the whole point of forgetting. Right?
I feel like I have to make up a scenario for everything. Why can't you do this? Because I have to do that. 'That' is usually the lie, and I somehow make myself believe it's true in a way. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between my own lies, and the real truths and it's not healthy. I once lied about something big when I was fourteen, and realized how big of a mistake it was because I had to lie about it for the rest of my life. How did I end it? I killed it, and that's my biggest secret out to the public! Just don't ever ask me of it, because I'll never go into detail. That was when I realized I had to stop this lying. This fantasy-like game that made everyone like me, and want to be my friend. But it never stopped. You only thought it did, but I only got better. Better at lying, but I'm worse mentally now more than ever.
Are constant excuses really excuses, or are they symptoms of some sort of behavioral disorder that we're all denying?
It is midnight and my sister is sweeping the floors. I wonder if it's soothing for her. Moving the mop side to side. THe wet marks it makes must be quite reassuring of what's real and what's not. Yes, you really swept that. I think in some cases she is obsessive compulsive, but I wonder if I should start sweeping floors and dusting tables for relief instead of lying or doing that thing that I love and hate doing.
I feel dirty because I've had too much time to myself for the past couple weeks, and I have been thinking constantly about all the things I've ever lied about that I never thought would bother me, but it's slowly eating me up and I can't take it anymore. I'm disgusted at the things I've said to the people who have shown me such care and concern. I'm not used to that sort of treatment, and I don't want to be. I only accept it from people whom I know I can return the favor to, and I can't do that to many people. There are the rare exceptions and I'm sure they know who they are. If I have ever given you advice about anything, I take it all back and hope you didn't do it already. It's not a smart move to take advice from a pathological liar, believe me.
Lately I've been trying to concentrate on what it is I want to do most. I want to buy this, but I can't but this unless I'm sure I won't be doing that. I can't do that because it's causing a lot of trouble here, and going there will make it worse.
I like to think that it's not only me who goes through these stages of being on the verge of insanity. Maybe it's not even the 'verge of'--maybe it's what insanity is. But what makes anyone think that insanity isn't normal? I'm sure we all go through it, right? Thoughts, ideas, and beliefs contradicting one another all at the same time. Memories racing through your head like a movie on fast forward. Words you once heard being heard again even though they're surely no longer being said--and maybe they never were said, but you're just hoping they were. Right? You've been through that. Everyone has. And if you haven't, don't tell me you haven't because I like to think you have.
Thoughts are fatal, and I have been a internal mental mess for months now and none of you have known this. It's overwhelming to the point where it's just pouring out of me at the most unexpected times. I yelled at my manager a couple times today, and even at a few customers. I also admit to wanting to slaughter a couple people, but I wouldn't dare. Really, I wouldn't. It's just a soothing thought when I'm angry.
Like that time at dinner last night when the older folks I didn't know were talking about 'minorities,' and how they are over-privelaged. "Why are they building a mosque across the church? That's ridiculous! I don't understand why the government gives them so much freedom." Why are churches built? If mosques aren't important, then church's must not be either. I was angry, and I'm still angry when I think about it.
I'm also angry about fairness around here. I think most of my "friends" like to take advantage of me. deleted sentences here------Maybe I'm just blaming bad friends for all my misfortunes and my lack of luck when really it is my fault. I tried to fix things, but I can't say no and I can't get away from the "just lie about it and they'll let you do it!" phrase that I resent (sp?) so much. And I know a couple people who will likely either comment on this or ask me in person if this specific paragraph was about them, and I'll only laugh in their face and say 'of course not, why would I ever say anything negative about you?' but really it will be the people who ask that are the ones that I'm talking about. SO don't bring it up, but feel free to feel like shit anyway.
OH, HOW I LOVE MY BELOVED FRIENDS THAT WALK ALL OVER ME AND WEAR ME OUT.
I'm worn out.
I know I should 'talk about things' more often, but truthfully by the time I'm ready to spill my guts out in detail and not so anonymously, it's too late and I've lost my energy. My energry turns into this---anger, confusion, hate. Whatever you want to call it. And it's no longer worth the trouble. Besides, it's more fun to write in here and have you all wonder who and what I'm talking about instead of actually letting you know. Right? I think so.
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| I could spend my whole life prying loose the secrets of the insane. |
[17 Jun 2005|05:20pm] |
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a poetic retelling of an unfortunate seduction. |
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the language in the dimmer rooms seems to represent its light source well. how soft they speak and seem to be at peace with the movement of the music and the madness that's pulling me into this--and the shades of the lamps are woven red. the light, it stains and consecrates anointing all forgotten forms that swirl and smoke and haunt this place. the girls in gowns all nurse the dark, pulling it near to their swelling breasts and watch as it seeps to their hearts and beats within their virgin chests.--and here i know seduction breeds from wanton hearts that would seduce and grows and spreads its vines and leaves, embracing those who migh thave moved--.
Having so much free-time cannot be healthy for an over-thinking-type-of-person like myself. I miss all the good times, and hang outs. Like driving around in friends' cars, blarring good music we could all sing along to. Windows down, chins up. Happy times. I only half-miss the times I spent a couple summers ago daydreaming and feeling warm. Meeting new people, and seeing new faces. Playing (good) games, and all the innocent fun. It's different now, and I'm still stuck in the past like usual. But I'm not complaining. I'd rather be living in the past then knowing what these people truly think of me. Maybe it's safest to think everyone likes you, and everybody is truly happy. I don't want to hurt feelings here, but I'll be completely publically honest for once in my life--I just don't feel it anymore. High-school friendships has gotten passe for me, and I'm ready (have been ready) for more.
(thestarswecouldreachwerejuststarfishonthebeach.)
Today I went back to every scar on my legs and thought of the time they each happened. The first time I attempted a two-wheel bike. The time I held hands with my best friend and ran only to fall and scrap my knee. The first time I shaved and thought the harder you push down, the better your results. It's just funny to look back on things and see if you can remember how they happened. I only remembered a few.
My birthday is in seven days. Whether I go to Chicago for school or not will be found out in seven days, too. I'm anxious, I'm nervous, and I'm even doubtful. Not about my acceptance, but about my passion. I don't know if being a photographer is going to be satisfying when I'm 30 and not making enough money. Maybe I really do want to be an forensic scientist! Or a forensic photographer. Or an FBI spy/agent. My parents negativity and comments are making my doubt the one thing I enjoy doing most. It's sad.
If I die young, I want "Seasons in the Sun" by Black Box Recorder to be played softly at my funeral.
My neighbor asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I told her I wanted cift certificates from the Post Office (yes, the exist).
P.S.--Will someone rent me a P.O. box at the Walled Lake Postal Office?
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| one day i'll be wondering how i got so old just wondering how. |
[16 Jun 2005|12:11am] |
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mood |
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 building nothing-laying bricks |
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music |
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the shins |
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Oh, inverted world--! If every moment of our lives were cradled softly in the hands of some strange and gentle child, I'd not roll my eyes so.
Today, I bought myself two bunches of sunflowers from Krogers (one bunch was yellow, one bunch was orange-red). I have never seen sunflowers being sold in bunches before, therefore I was rather excited to see them for such a great price, too. The sign said $8.99 a bunch, and when I took it to the U-Scan, they rang up $6.99--good deal. Sunflowers are my favorite kind of flowers. Anyway, this made me feel like "summer.
I was thinking to myself just a few moments ago about persons, places, and things of all sorts. Some people, I like to keep in touch with every now and then because they speak in poetry and riddles. Others, I like to keep in touch with because they remind me of past times and good fun. And a select few I like to keep in touch with because they remind me of the person who I want to be. I think I'm actually just speaking of one person in particular, but I'm constantly changing my mind.
New subject.
I like having "this" with this person. I think everyone should have someone they can always run to.
---
To be completely honest, I really do enjoy my job at Hallmark. I enjoy the customers--especially the regulars who like to stay half an hour extra after they've done all their shopping just to 'chit-chat' a little before they run off home to cook for the hubby and kids. And the man who comes in to buy the Yankee car freshner's every now and then, who always reeks of that familiar warm nicotine scent. With his business suit, and leather shoes. His charming deep voice, and his winking-smile before he leaves. I would imagine him to be a doctor, or lawyer. I enjoy looking through cards, and imagining sending them out or recieving them. Reading love cards, anniversary cards and imagining myself 10 years from now... giving cards like these to the one. I like to read wedding cards, and pick out the ones I would want to recieve on my wedding day, predicting who would give me what type of card. Every girl dreams, and every girl wonders.
You may notice certain things before you die. Mail them to me should they cause your algebra to fail.
Comment & tell me one thing about yourself that I never knew.
Edit: New layout. Is it too busy?
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| make haste with the boy who can't help but creep good people out |
[15 Jun 2005|12:10pm] |
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mood |
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 bitch, please. |
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music |
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the shins - oh, inverted world album |
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New shoes! New joy!
My parents keep changing their minds about Chicago, and it's confusing me. I decided last night that with or without their support, I will be leaving on the 23rd this month for my portfolio review. This is my last chance, and I'm not letting any excuses come in the way this time.
I've had this photo-idea for the longest time, and I'm litterally dying to do it, but I can't find anyone I want to use. I know of people who I'd like to be the 'main character' in the photographs, but I'm too lazy to call them up and ask. I guess I just feel a little odd calling someone I haven't really talked to nor seen since graduation just because I want to take pictures.
My birthday at Casey's possibly? I'm working on it.
Graduation party is canceled as of now.
Comment right now & tell me what's on your mind. Seriously.
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[07 Jun 2005|01:30am] |
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 sleep forever/dream. |
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dandy warhols - sleep |
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"I could sleep forever,
it's of him I dream.
If I could sleep forever,
I could forget about everything...
if I could sleep forever."
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[06 Jun 2005|09:52pm] |
I'm dying my hair brown again tonight.
I think I'm too rosey-cheeked for the blonde look.
Bye, bye bleach blonde. :(
Maybe next time we'll get along better.
-L.
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[05 Jun 2005|09:06pm] |
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 uncomfortable |
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turkish tv. |
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So, I didn't trip and fall at Graduation today. It went fairly well...and pretty quick, too which is good. We got lost on the way, and ended up getting in a huge arguement over stupid things, but I'm laughing about it now. I also arrived 40 minutes late, and was raging with anger the whole entire time. I was too angry to be nervous--it was actually pretty funny. I finally got my gold and silver key from Scholastics! Also, I got an award yesterday that blew my mind away, because I still can't believe it!
On the way back home, we got pulled over by the state police. My dad never wears his seatbelt--so, ticket. Also, when asked for his driver's license, it turns out he left his wallet at home. So, another ticket. Pretty funny, because my dad has never had a ticket in his life. He was terrified.
We went to dinner at Bravo's for a mini-family-celebration, and my dad congradulated me on my graduation. I was still angry about things, so I made a toast and congradulated him on his first encouter with U.S. cops. Not only did he get one ticket, but he got two! (Guess who secretly took pictures?!?)
Thunder-thunder-thunder. I love it! What I don't love is that our air condition system hasn't been working as of yesterday afternoon, and it's 90 outside. It's 83 inside, and I'm dying. Went to Home Depot today and bought new fans, because three is not enough? Yeah. This one is super-super strong, and I'm not dying as badly. But I'm still dying, so...
I really want to go to Tim Horton's for an iced cappucino, but no one is willing to take me. Everyone's afraid of the weather. Sometimes, when I type 'the,' I really want to type 'ze' because I talk like that often.
I really do like Turkish soap operas, and I think that's bad.
They say "love" can make you do many stupid things, but so can the lack of it.
Believe me.
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[03 Jun 2005|11:45am] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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Well, the future's got me worries such awful thoughts. My head's a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops--I just want someone to walk in front, and I'll follow the leader.----
Now I'm trying to be assertive, I'm making plans. I want to rise to the occasion, meet all their demands but all I do is just lay in bed and hide under the covers.
I know I should be brave--but I'm just too afraid of all this change and it's too hard to focus through all this doubt. I keep making this to-do list but nothing gets crossed out.----
I've been feeling sentimental for days gone by. All those summers singing, drinking, my friend, wasting our time. Remember all those songs and the way we smiled in those basements made of music?
But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all--I'm not as strong as I thought.
So when I'm lost in a crowd, I hope that you'll pick me out. I long to be found--the grass grew high, I laid down. Now I'll wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand. I've been laying so long, I don't want to lay here no more.
Everything that happens is suppoosed to be--and it's all predetermined, you can't change your destiny. I guess I'll just keep moving, someday maybe I'll get to where I'm going.
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| and I think the wind blows so sweetly there... |
[03 Jun 2005|11:10am] |
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 melancholyschmoly-blah. |
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& the rattling of the rain still remains. |
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Jack White married Karen Elson (runway-model+star of his new music video)on June 1st!
What the shit?
It's to get back at Renee for marrying that country singer. I swear it. He just met herrrrr... :(
Anyway.
Last night was terrible. Not just prom itself, but afterwards. Didn't go to sleep until 3, and I was all by myself. It wasn't nice. I knew I should not have gone, but I try so hard to be optimistic.
I looked at the crowd of people at the dancefloor, and I thought...
"It's done."
I won't ever see these people again unless I CHOOSE to.
I'm a little torn, because I want to completely isolate myself for a while, but then again I've been feeling more lonely than ever. I just need to make up my mind and decide what it is that I want for the first time in my life.
Thing are going to be different from now on. I planned it all out last night.
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[03 Jun 2005|01:18am] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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prom was so dumb.
so overrated.
you all looked lovely, though.
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[01 Jun 2005|11:54pm] |
LiveJournal's hiring! Hahaha... I almost applied, too.
So in the last two days, I've dyed my hair six times.
It looks fine.
Prom tomorrow.
I'm really confused about this 'friendship' thing--what exactly is it?
I thought I had a 'best friend' but I think I fucked it up a few months ago.
Why is everyone so far?
Tania, I miss you.
I strongly believe in ghosts, and I still refuse to mention Jesus in the dark.
Oh, what a day.
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[31 May 2005|02:17pm] |
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mood |
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 OBSESSED!!!!!! |
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So I've been looking for something new to obsess over, and I know that's dangerous.
Beware.
The point of this entry?
[many, many photos--]
( Way over-due picture update. )
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| what.a.day. |
[30 May 2005|04:56pm] |
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 swollen and gross. |
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turkish tv. |
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[edit: first paragraph--deleted.]
Anyway.
I think my lip got bit by a bug yesterday at the Crony Party. My lip got swollen, and numb. Eventually, it got bigger and bigger, and I started to get more scared. I got home, and went straight the the hospital. They made me stay overnight, because they weren't sure if it was a bug bite. Apparently, it could easily happen due to stress or I might have had an allergic reaction to something I ate that day. Odd. After a shot of Benadryl and steroids, I was sent home this morning. I'll be going to the hospital for five days straight to get these shots daily, now.
Today, the whole right side of my face was swollen and numb. My lip is purple, and occasionally bleeds (ewww...). I could barely see out of my right eye, and obviously that scared me. After my shots and meds, I'm feeling a lot better. The swelling has decreased, and so has the numbness. I'm hoping it will be gone by Thursday, because I'm not going to prom with half a swollen face! I've been sleeping all day, because these meds get me dizzy and drowsy but I'm extremely bored and I WANT TO DO SOMETHING BUT I CAN'T.
Anyway. As if all that wasn't bad enough, I was trying on my prom dress so my mom could alter it for me. There's a huge tag hanging off of it that's covered in thick plastic, right? Well, while slipping it on, the tag's edge went right into my RIGHT eye. Popped a vein, blood vessel...whatever you want to say it is. But my right eye is now blood red, and it hurts. Today is such a sucky day, except for the fact that having this swollen lip means I get to eat lots of flava-ice and popsicles.
And we're also ordering pizza? yes.
I also have the day off of work for tomorrow, because apparently the swelling should decrease by then, but there will be pain for the next couple days. Rock on, bitches.
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[29 May 2005|12:34am] |
My secret website knows me well.
(You'll never know.)
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[28 May 2005|11:16pm] |
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 stressed |
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my sister's greek music? |
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So, Chicaog might happen in September.
I randomly recieved an e-mail yesterday that gave me hope once again. It's going to be really hard to get my portfolio together in such short notice, but it's well worth it I think.
I think I really hurt one of my best friends' feelings tonight, and I'm feeling pretty down about it.
A lot of strange things have been happening lately.
I've been bumping into people (one person specifically) I've been avoiding. It's a strange, strange feeling and it's happened so often recently that I'm sort of starting to get used to feeling this uncomfortable. I'm not liking it. I guess I'm more curious to see what this whole thing is about. I'd like to see what will happen in the next couple months when things completely change.
Things have been good and bad lately. I've been feeling either really great or really terrible. Tonight, I'm feeling pretty terrible. As corny as it may sound, I've always wanted to find someone whom I bond with. I'm constantly complaining about being alone, but I keep finding myself drawing back from situations like that. It's commitment. I don't want it, but I need it. I want to have that connection, but I can't even be honest with myself. If there isn't honesty in a relationship, the 'bond' is nonexistant. Then there's always confidence, too. Without the confidence, you're only going to feel uncomfortable and uneasy and that holds you back. That holds ME back from getting close to anybody. Whether it be a real relationship, or just a simple friendship. I'm afraid of commiting to people and being completely honest about a lot of things.
This all came about because I take things 'too seriously' and get 'too caught up' in things--I can tell that I'm going back to what it used to be like, and maybe that's a good thing now.
The bad thing is, I know I'm looking for my next victim.
I highly doubt anybody understood any of this.
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[25 May 2005|10:00pm] |
I guess you can't always run away from the truth.
I guess you can't really hide it much, either.
It's just hard to accept the facts, and look someone in the eye when you damn well know that they're not satisfied with what you have to offer, and with who you are--and that's all your own fault.
I'll have to face the dreaded reality that I have been avoiding for the past three years in a couple weeks, and I'm not ready.
I feel so sick to my stomach. So dizzy and lightheaded.
Adrenaline.
Adrenaline.
a d r e n a l i n e .
Too much is expected of me, and I can't handle the responsibilities and the stress that's guarenteed to come along with it.
I've been so tired of bullshitting.
I've been so tired of acting.
I've been so tired of being someone I'm not.
Don't expect it out of me anymore--
I want to back out of this, but I know I'll hurt feelings--I can't do that.
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| she pressed her lips against the white piece of paper, and that was all that i needed. |
[22 May 2005|02:31pm] |
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blank |
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haligh, haligh, a lie, haligh - bright eyes |
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nowwespeakwithruinedtongues
andthewordswesayaren'tmeant
foranyone.it'sjustamumbled
sentencetoapassingacquaintance,
buttherewasonceyou.yousaidyou
hatemysuffering,andyouunderstood,
andthatyou'dtakecareofme.
you'dalwaysbethere.well,whereare
younow?
--
..this weight would now be satisfied.
I'm gonna give you only one reply, I know not who I am, but I talk in the mirror to the stranger that appears. Our conversations are circles, always one sided, nothing is clear.
...he says the choices were given, and now you must live them, or just not live, but do you want that?
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YOU GET SICK WHEN YOU EAT SHIT
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